1. "I told my computer I needed a break, and it printed out a resignation letter. Guess it's quitting time for both of us!"
2. "Why did the scarecrow become a successful stand-up comedian? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
3. "I asked my dog what's his favorite kind of math. He said 'Bark-gebra!' Can't argue with that canine logic."
4. "My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other. I love to sleep, and it loves when I'm not in it."
5. "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
6. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
7. "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers."
8. "I'm writing a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
9. "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
10. "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
11. "Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!"
12. "I'm not lazy; I'm in energy-saving mode."
13. "I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
14. "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
15. "My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
16. "I'm writing my autobiography. It's mostly a bunch of pages with 'I don't remember' written on them."
17. "I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads."
18. "I'm not saying I'm Batman. I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together."
19. "I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
20. "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
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